You'll Know Me As...

My photo
Jakarta, Indonesia
Founder of @ProjekMimpi - a reality book and workshop project. Founder of @LenteraMahadaya - a non profit organization for Muallaf / Muslim convert Proud owner of Love Actually Planner @LA_Planner + @Lady Mosh Invaders [Rockin' clothing line for hijabers] @LadyMoshInvader - Twinkle Twinkle(band) Manager @thetwinkstars. Media / Promotion Manager of @KitchenDeath gothic band Jakarta - a rebel. a lover. a dreamer. a believer. a fighter. lately a muallaf. loves writing fiksimini and blogging. an ordinary someone with XTRAordinary dreams. a proud SINGLE mother of one adorable metalhead son \m/ .that i can be a bitch most of the times [err in a positive way I suppose?] .hopelessly romantic ordinary woman - LOOKING FOR that special someone to fill in the 'gap' and help making me whole; again -

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Shadows



Dear, to you I might be just a shadow,
haunting your present and might never make it to the future
as invisible as the air that you breathe and been trying so hard just to make you see,
someone who's willing to go the distance for you, and could care less of waiting in vain

Been wondering if I could somehow be the one who put the smile on your face every time you're near,
and be the one who you will be missing whenever we're far apart
I know for sure that I might never be able to erase the memories or mend the heart once broken, sometimes in your past
but if you only let me, I would die just to make sure that you're happy whenever I'm around
catch the stars for you and chase the storm away, if only you wish

Don't ask me how or even questioning why,
what I'm feeling for you is beyond of what I could have imagined,
I might not fit in or even worthy enough for you to fight for,
but if only you willing to try, I'll keep your heart from tearing apart in pieces
there's nothing I wouldn't do, and nothing that I could not do, when it is about you....

To you, I might be just a shadow,
and I'm hoping someday, one day, you'll be able to see me, the way that I see you

Monday, February 20, 2012

Haters, Thank You for Hating [a tale of a broken vase]



Dear haters, thank you for hating
for talking behind my back about the things you know nothing about
for judging me just as thick as skin deep
to you, I might be just flesh and bone, heartless and absent minded
got nothing to be proud of and would be such a waste of time just to have me around
but oh, wait, thanks to you my dear haters, those who love me, keep sticking around, knowing that I have so much more to offer, 'cause they look deeper


Just like a broken vase, shattered and wrecked,
no matter how hard I've tried to glued myself back,
the scars remain within...visible for you to see and even touch
and if you condemned me for what you could witness, do I have the right to be angry?
I just let it be. What more can I say to proof that you're wrong?
For what I know, whatever good or bad, a vase is still a vase
designed to hold the greatest gift God made, beautiful flowers here and there
and though it may look ugly from the outside, what's kept inside doesn't stop the vase from standing out from the rest
it still shines, effortlessly

and thanks to you dear haters, now I realize that, those who love me, will still be loving me and accepting me for who I am and not for who I was


Friday, February 17, 2012

KOTAKKATIKRASA

 

Malam ini, kembali saya terkena insomnia akut yang membuat mata sulit untuk dipejamkan rapat-rapat.
Hasrat untuk kembali membiarkan jari menari diatas deretan huruf dan menatap layar datar belasan inci dihadapan saya membuat saya kembali menggeliat. Bangun dari hibernasi singkat.

Playlist berputar acak dan pada saat saya menjetikkan kata demi kata pada lembaran dunia maya, "I Won't Give Up"-nya Jason Mraz mengalun.
Kembali saya diingatkan akan #dia yang begitu rapat mengisi hati, otak dan juga mimpi beberapa minggu belakangan ini.
Seorang biasa yang begitu luar biasa. Setidaknya begitu menurut saya.
Betapa tidak?
Saya yang biasanya akan sangat emosi [juga frustasi] jika dinomorduakan dan akan menjadi berapi-api jika tidak ditanggapi kini bisa begitu mudah berkompromi dengan hal-hal yang #dia cintai; meski seringkali membuat saya harus sedikit menahan diri.

Entah ada hubungannya atau tidak dengan rasi perbintangan yang menakdirkan saya 'jatuh' dalam bagan Aries, yang katanya sih, mereka yang lahir dibawah naungan zodiak berlambang kambing jantan ini selalu ingin jadi yang nomor satu dalam segala hal. Ya untuk urusan cinta, keluarga, pertemanan hingga karir.
Datang untuk menang dan istilah kalah sama sekali ngga masuk dalam daftar.
Terkesan arogan? Well, mungkin karena Aries memang adalah zodiak yang memang ada di jajaran pertama jika dihubungkan dengan teori astrologi.
But, we're not here to discuss how Arian I am, are we?

Banyak hal yang masuk dalam list "things he'd love to do"-nya. #dia baru saja menemukan keasyikan baru dan tambatan hati lain, selain saya dan beberapa hal lainnya.
Entah jika diurut-urut dari nomer satu hingga kesekian, ditempat keberapa saya diletakkannya.
Saya enggan bertanya [lagi] sambil berdoa siapa tahu suatu waktu #dia berinisiatif merubah penempatannya.
Saya pun berlomba mencuri perhatiannya disela-sela waktu sibuknya yang seringkali berujung pada habisnya kuku jari saya gigiti karena lagi-lagi saya harus menghabiskan hari sendiri.
Kecewa? Iya, pasti.
Untuk marah, saya ngga rela. #dia terlalu berharga untuk saya bombardir dengan gumpalan emosi sesaat yang bisa beranak-pinak jadi lontaran maha dahsyat jika diberi celah.
Tapi lucunya, semua rasa dongkol hilang ketika saya tahu betapa bahagianya #dia bisa melakukan semua yang #dia suka.
Dia sebut saya "gombal", ketika saya bilang saya sudah cukup terhibur walau saya hanya bisa melihat senyumnya dari balik kaca atau sekedar melihat bayangnya dari kejauhan disaat jarak menyekat tidak bersahabat.
Ini gila, tapi juga sama nyatanya. 
Bahagianya ya bahagia saya juga tanpa ada embel-embel terpaksa atau bahkan memaksakan rasa.

Sama seperti malam ini ketika mata saya tertumbuk pada goresan pena virtualnya tentang mimpi-mimpinya dan beberapa prosa tentang apa yang #dia rasa, tanpa terasa ada sesuatu yang hangat mengalir dari pelupuk mata.
Ketika tersadar, basah sudah pipi saya oleh air mata.
Entah mengapa, 
saya ikut tertawa ketika dia bercerita tentang hal-hal yang membuat #dia terbahak;
ikut tersayat ketika hatinya terluka dan membuatnya lara
juga larut dalam haru disaat menyelami berbagai harap dan angan yang mampu terbaca disana.

"A Thousand Years"-nya Christina Perry menutup lamunan saya. It's nearly 3 in the morning.
Saatnya menyudahi tulisan ini sebelum akhirnya saya meracau lebih lama lagi dan semakin mengingini #dia hadir disini.
Ada doa yang terselip ketika saya kembali mengingat #dia malam ini, agar semua yang indah jadi nyata, membawa si pengejar matahari berlari lebih tinggi menggapai mimpi
Untuk #dia, tak mengapa jika saya harus berpacu dengan waktu atau bahkan menunggu.
Memang hanya #dia, yang saya perlu. Kemarin, saat ini, dan jika Sang Pemberi Hidup ridha, sampai nanti, nanti, nanti dan nantinya lagi...

Goodnite *kriwil, love you so!
Sleep tight, don't let the bad bugs, bite


Monday, February 13, 2012

Maybe If...



If only I was prettier
If only I was thinner
or might be if I was fancier,
I could have you by my side by now

Maybe if only I'm smarter,
If only I'm cooler
or might be if only I'm better
You would have been wanting me

But so sorry, dear,
if I was not what you have been expecting
I have my flaws and guilts to bear
and I could not have run from my past even if I tried
So sorry if what have shaped me to be who I am today was the one that scared you away

But this is just me!
Someone ordinary who's been waiting for that special someone,
who would love me just the way I am,
without even being told or even begged
who would happily walk by my side through happinnes and sorrow,
and who would never let me leave his sight, simply because he cares

And hey, it's just me!
Someone who's tired of being afraid of losing someone
cause somehow love is just another battle to be won
and I don't wanna have another sleepless nights just to worry whether will you love me tomorrow or won't?

So, Mr. Cupid,
Let me wait in line for my next turn to come
But this time, please do make sure that you 'hit' us both,
so I won't be the only one who's feeling this all over again

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Oh, Dear Child Abuser, I Thank You For....


For making me the way I am today
for letting me know "homo homini lupus" are so damn real
you're such a predator for your own kind, but wait, no fair, not the helpless one, please!
But anyway, thank you, oh dear abuser,
what is failed to kill me is the one that made me stronger
well, the bruises might seem to stay for a while, but not for long, cause I'm spreading my wings higher
I used to hide behind closed curtains
counting your steps while watching you fade away
been trying so hard to scream yet only whispers could be heard
having trouble sleeping just to chase the nightmares away
still, there were no night passed without you haunting my mind
and imprisoning me till I found it was so damn hard to breathe
Now, scars are the only proof of what you've been marking,
but tell you what, it ain't bring me down, not until the day till my flesh rot on the deeper ground
you can made me bleed my heart away, but can never take what I have left, neither my pride nor dignity
So, my dear abuser, thank you for making me realize this;